if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
