Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
