when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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