If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
