totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Green mimosas i think yes
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
