Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
