Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
