I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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