Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
