if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
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