It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
MIDGETS
????
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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