apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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