In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
