the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
