he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
