You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Randomize
