i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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