I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
