I cannot find my penis.
my being single is dangerous.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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