On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
