In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize