her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
