He disabled his match.com account in front of me
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
