I feel great
I just peed on a car
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
