halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
