She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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