yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
