Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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