Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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