The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Randomize
