Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
