worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
