I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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