I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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