I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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