Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
