My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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