I think my fart just growled at me.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Randomize
