There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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