my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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