my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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