sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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