the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
