just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
