Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
