Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
