I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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