So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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