Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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