you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
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