atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
