i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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