So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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