dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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