Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
