You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
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