It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
